A Mother's Visit
by kirstencohen
Summary: Will Kirsten's visit to Chino bring Ryan and her closer together? Kirsten goes to visit Ryan and theresa in anticipation of the birth of his child. COMPLETE
1. Anticipation

Like I said this story has been posted before but it's been revised so it'll be a little different thought the main gist is the same. Please R&R

Chapter 1

As Kirsten sat in the driver's seat of her black Land Rover she took a deep breath. She had no idea why she was so nervous. Maybe it was because she was visiting a new and somewhat dangerous neighbourhood, but the thought of seeing Ryan again. On her own with no Sandy or Seth to save her. It was frightening. She gripped the steering wheel and tried to focus on how she would be seeing her son again soon. But it wasn't all that simple as she and Ryan hadn't gotten off to a great start.  
  
At first she didn't even want him in her house in fear of him being a bad influence on Seth. She was afraid he would introduce Seth to all kinds of danger but instead he introduced him to his crush Summer and made him happier than she'd seen him in years. When she gave in to her husband and her son's plea's and agreed to let him stay for the weekend she realised he wasn't all that bad. To a certain extent she enjoyed his company. She warmed to him during his short stay and she was more disappointed than angry with him he burned down her model home. She didn't really want to have him in jail but she couldn't allow him back into her home after he'd disobeyed her and Sandy like that. The guilt was eating her up inside but she couldn't let it show. She had done the right thing and they all had to move on. Seth managed to convince her to visit him and she probably wouldn't have agreed if she weren't genuinely worried about him. It was fairly awkward when she and Seth had visited him in Juvie. There was a cut on his neck but she kept quiet. She was more occupied with the guy in the corner yelling abuse. She tried to ignore it and told Ryan to do the same but his hero complex kicked in when the guy lunged for her and he defended her from him. She couldn't leave him in there like that. She had to bring him back. He was helpful in setting up Casino night and they even managed to connect when Kirsten described her job to him. They had planned to go on an architectural tour but they had barely had time to even get to know each other when his mother showed up made a mess of everything and left. Again. She could feel her heart break when his mother told her that she almost envied the way Ryan had looked at her. As if she would make everything okay. His confused and saddened expression, as his mother walked out on him would stay with her forever. She wouldn't forget it. It had been a journey getting to know him and eventually coming to love him and accept him as her son and they had shared many family moments but Ryan still hadn't let himself in. She knew he wouldn't forget her initial rejection. The damage had already been done. She was going to have to work hard if she wanted her feelings for him to be recognised.

She thought to the few weeks before when Ryan had left and how she cried for the loss of her son and a tear fell down her cheek. "Stop it!" she demanded. She knew she would be seeing him soon, but on her own. Theresa may be there but she had no idea what she was going to say. The words would come. She knew it.  
  
She turned the key in the ignition and slowly guided her car out of the driveway. 


	2. Surprising Welcome

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Chapter 2  
  
She drove the two hours to Chino listening to Bob Segar. His mellow tunes always seemed to relax her when she was tense. It was how Sandy got her to chill out after a hard day at work. The fear of seeing Ryan again was starting to subside. It would be good to see him. Find out how he's really doing. They had kept in touch over the past few months but she knew Ryan would never tell them if something really was wrong.

She looked out at Ryan's hometown. She saw a few boarded up windows, stray dogs and steel fencing around the gardens. But as she looked a little closer she saw the people in their gardens. Some were chatting to the neighbours; some hanging up laundry and in one of the gardens there was a family having a barbeque. The atmosphere in the town surprised her. It seemed happy and content. It was everything she hadn't expected to see. She was to some extent ashamed of the fact she had never even asked Ryan about his life and the people in it before Newport. She could see Ryan living here. She looked at the sidewalk and saw Ryan playing marbles with his brother. She saw a park and could imagine him swinging on the swings or clambering over the climbing frame. But she knew that wasn't how it really was. She had read his file. She knew what memories Ryan had to face again. Every time he turned a corner she knew there would be something there to remind him of his past. She was so engrossed in the area around her that she had lost her bearings. She had to call Ryan to ask how to get to Theresa's mother's house.  
  
She dialled the number  
  
"Uh hello could I speak to Ryan please its Kirsten Cohen."  
  
"Oh uh yes I'll go him for you." It was Theresa's mother. Kirsten hadn't thought her mother would be there when she arrived. She knew they were living with her but she hadn't thought about it much. She felt a twisting in her stomach knowing that there was a mother figure there for him. He didn't really need her anymore. Or did he ever need her in the first place? She didn't have much time to ponder this before Ryan picked up the receiver, "Hey Kirsten"  
  
"Hey Ryan, I'm uh I kinda got lost. Could you give me some directions?"  
  
"Sure where are you..." As Ryan explained to Kirsten on how to get to his new... old home Kirsten was thankful that her stupidity had broken the ice.  
  
As she pulled up outside the house she saw Ryan waiting for her at the door making sure she found the house all right.  
  
She got out of the car and looked at Ryan. She didn't know what to do. Hug him? Say a polite hello? But surprisingly she saw Ryan coming toward her with open arms. She embraced him realising just how much she had missed him. She took a step back and examined him closely. He was kitted out in a pair of black jeans and a beater with a shirt Kirsten had bought for him thrown over it. He looked tired but he seemed to be okay from what she could tell.

"I can't believe we haven't seen each other in like five months!" she exclaimed.  
  
"I know I've really missed you guys. How are things at home? Has Seth called or got in touch at all?" he asked concerned  
  
"Well no. He called about a month ago but we haven't had any word from him since. I think I'm gonna have to send Sandy down there to look for him."  
  
"I wouldn't worry really. He can look after himself." He gave Kirsten a knowing look and they both laughed. "Yeah well the longest he's ever been away from us was when we sent him to summer camp and that only lasted for two days before he called and begged us to come pick him up." Ryan smiled his half smile and Kirsten was surprised that she could miss such minor things about a person. Ryan pressed on, "So how are things at home? What's been going on?" 

"Uh well Sandy's working all the time. As usual. Summer's still pretty mad with Seth for leaving with a note so I haven't seen her much and Marissa. Well Marissa's still Marissa. She's back in therapy after her mom found a bottle of vodka under her bed."

"Wow. So I guess I'm missing a lot of the action in Newport huh?"

"Yeah. So I guess we'd better go in and see the mother to be."

**Sorry i know the chapters are pretty short but ill update faster than i usually do to make up for it**

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	3. Washing Up

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Chapter 3  
  
Theresa wasn't home. Ryan explained that she was with Arturo at the doctor's for a routine check-up. Kirsten wondered why he wasn't there with her holding her hand instead of making small talk with her over lunch. When Kirsten questioned this he hesitated. He continued to stack the dishes into the stainless steel sink. He fixed his gaze onto the fruit bowl on the kitchen table and stayed silent. "Ryan?" Kirsten pressed, "What's wrong?" Ryan laughed, "Sorry I was caught in a daze. Uh well you know I... I don't need to go everywhere with her." Ryan stuttered but when Kirsten stared at him sceptically he sighed and confessed, "Well she was pretty adamant that she didn't want me there because you were coming to visit all the way from Newport but ... I don't know..."  
  
"What is it? Are you and Theresa ok?"  
  
"Nah. Nothing to worry about." There was a pause and Kirsten wasn't convinced but she kept quiet. Ryan turned back to the dishes, "So do you wanna help me clear the table seeing as we worked hard to keep you away from preparing the food?"  
  
"Funny. I think Seth's rubbed off on you."  
  
Kirsten and Ryan began to discuss a new development she was currently working on. It seemed to be one of the few things that she and Ryan could relate to and she was happy to be able to talk to him about it considering the lack of enthusiasm she received back home. Just then Theresa came into the kitchen. "Hey Kirsten. Good to see you again."  
  
"Wow! You've gotten so big!" Kirsten laughed as she embraced Theresa, "so how was the check-up?"  
  
Theresa didn't answer. She looked over at Ryan and said, "Do you think we could talk?" Ryan nodded his head mutely. Theresa turned you Kirsten, "Excuse us."  
  
About ten minutes had passed and Kirsten was almost finished with the washing up. She was placing the last plate into the cupboard when and Ryan emerged from the bedroom. He wore an expression that Kirsten remembered from when his mother walked out on him. He didn't seem to know what to do. He looked lost. Something was wrong. "Ryan. What's the matter?"  
  
"Do you think you could take me home?" he simply answered  
  
"What? Why? You can't just leave. What's going on?"  
  
"I'll explain on the way home I just gotta get outta here." As he said this Theresa appeared from the bedroom.  
  
"Ryan I'm so sorry I had no idea. I promise if I'd known I would've told you. I promise." Tears were creeping down her cheeks as she pleaded with Ryan not to be mad with her. Ryan stared for only a moment before taking Theresa in his arms and quietly told her he wasn't mad. She kept saying she was sorry but Ryan would simply shush her and stroke her hair. "What are you gonna do?" Ryan sighed, "I need to be with my family," Kirsten stayed silent throughout all of this and looked on in shock. She had no idea what was going on. She followed Ryan out of the kitchen and as she passed she squeezed Theresa's hand and promised she would call.  
  
Kirsten looked at Ryan as she got in to the car and questioned what next shock would be in store for the Cohen/Atwood clan

* * *

**Sorry I know the chapters are pretty short but ill update faster than I usually do to make up for it**

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	4. Honesty

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Bob Segar played I the car as they drove down the streets of Chino. They had stayed silent throughout the journey and Kirsten was becoming unnerved by it. Ryan kept wringing his hands. She didn't want to push him but she had no idea what was going on. Was Theresa going back to Eddie? Had she lost the baby? Did she not want Ryan anymore? Kirsten couldn't take it anymore. She swerved the car into an empty street and parked close to the curb. She turned to Ryan, "Do you wanna tell me what's going on or should I keep driving?" Ryan sighed and stared out of the window. He didn't want her to see the hurt written across his face.  
  
"Theresa had a paternity test. Eddie was there and the DNA matched with him. The baby isn't mine." Kirsten stared open mouthed. She tried to make eye contact but he was staring out if the window.  
  
"Ryan... I... I'm so sorry...I..." Ryan spun around abruptly not caring if Kirsten saw the tears.  
  
"SORRY! Are you kidding? YOU of all people are sorry? Kirsten Cohen who intentionally gave up her baby is taking pity on the guy who had just lost the most important thing in his life. The guy who's just lost one good thing he had going for him?"  
  
Kirsten was taken aback. She said nothing for about two minutes while she let Ryan's words sink into her. She felt a single tear run down her cheek and she stared out at the deserted street ahead of her. She felt dizzy so she got out of the car and walked over to the nearest building. She leaned on it for support and tried to calm herself. She tried to hold back the tears but all of the emotion she had held in for years came flooding to the surface. She felt Ryan come up behind her.  
  
"Kirsten I am so sorry. I didn't mean..." Kirsten shook her head, "No. You're right Ryan. I..." she couldn't finish. She turned away and sobbed into her hands. Ryan closed his eyes and kicked himself being such an ass. He wrapped his strong arms around her and he turned her around. She still had her hands over her face. He pulled them away and looked her straight in the eyes, "I didn't mean what I said. From what Theresa told me I think you did the right thing and I'm so sorry. You can't take what I said seriously." Kirsten fell into his chest and cried. His arms surrounded her. He breathed deeply before whispering, "I just lost my kid. I'm...I'm a mess..." Ryan couldn't hold it in any longer. Tears streamed down his cheeks and Kirsten looked up at him. "Ryan. It's okay. You're gonna be okay. I promise. We're all here for you." Ryan fell to his knees with his head in his hands. Kirsten kneeled down next to him and wrapped her arms around his shaking body.

As they sat there in the empty street Ryan let the tears fall. Ryan scolded himself for being so upset. He knew the chances of him being the father were unlikely but he had allowed himself to become attached. He truly believed he would be a good father but when Theresa had told him he felt his heart break. "I've lost him. I've lost the most important person in my life and I didn't even get to meet him. I've lost him. I've lost him." He repeated. 

**I know the chapters are short but I'll post quicker than I usually do.**

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	5. A Father and Son

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Chapter 5  
  
Ryan fell asleep during the rest of the journey. Kirsten turned off the radio and allowed herself to be surrounded by her own thoughts. She had no idea how she could hold on to this secret any longer. Ryan knew so she could only do the right thing and try to explain to Sandy before Ryan had the opportunity to have it slip out. She doubted he would mention it to Sandy but what if he was to say something to Seth? Seth would never forgive her. She would never forgive herself to allow that to happen.

As Kirsten pulled into the driveway she saw that Sandy was home. She looked over at the slumbering Ryan on her right and sighed. He had gone through so much and he was only sixteen years old. She leaned over and shook him gently out of his stupor. His head jerked up suddenly and he got caught in his seatbelt. Kirsten laughed and helped him untangle himself.

As Ryan got out of the car he felt drained. He looked at Kirsten and she looked the same. He felt that he had actually gotten to know her better and he realised that he cared for her even more. She was there for him and she could relate to him more than anyone else. He was ashamed at his outburst and he wished he could take back the pain he had caused her. "Ready for this?" she asked him. "As I'll ever be." He replied. Kirsten took his hand and squeezed hard. They made their way into the manor in silence. Ryan tried to prepare himself for seeing Sandy again.  
  
The house seemed empty and lacked presence. Probably due to the fact that Seth hadn't been here for months. Ryan couldn't imagine what it was going to be like not having Seth dancing up and down the halls or chattering on about graphic novels every morning. Kirsten turned abruptly as loud laughter erupted from the kitchen.  
  
She yanked Ryan through the hall and into the kitchen where she saw Sandy and Seth propped up on stools sipping cups of coffee. "What the hell is going on?" she demanded, "Where the hell have you been?" Kirsten commanded although it was muffled seeing as she had launched herself around the island to pull Seth into an overwhelming hug. "Uh mom oxygen!" Seth wheezed, "RYAN OH MY GOD!!!! You're here man what's up? How's Theresa? Is she here? Where is she?" Ryan looked at Kirsten and she sensed the panic in his eyes. "Oh no Seth, don't you dare and try to skip the issue. You and me are going to talk NOW!"  
  
Quick save.  
  
"About..."  
  
"SETH!"  
  
Kirsten looked at Ryan reassuringly and then continued to rant at Seth about his sudden departure. "So Ryan what are you doing back? Visiting or what?" Sandy asked. Ryan didn't know how to answer or whether or not he had the energy to tell him. At least he was too tired to start crying again. "Well Theresa had a paternity test and it turns out that I'm actually not the father of the baby," he said in one breath, "so I guess I'm back."  
  
"Oh Ryan I'm sorry but... you knew the chances of you being the father were slim you said so yourself. But I really am sorry... welcome home I guess." he moved to Ryan and hugged him. "We really did miss you and now we've got both our boys back in one fail swoop. That means Kirsten and I have to be parents again!"  
  
"Both your boys?"  
  
"Yeah you and Seth." Sandy said squinting, trying to read Ryan's expression. "Oh. Yeah I guess. Both your boys." Ryan said a small smile playing on his lips. Sandy smiled, "Ryan you know Kirsten and I consider you to be our son and we both love you like our son. Always remember that. I know you and Kirsten didn't get off to a great start but give her a chance huh? Underneath the tough exterior she's fragile." He paused for a moment. "We're all gonna be there for you. Whatever you need... hey you're tough, you'll get through this." Ryan looked at Sandy and he recalled all of the things Sandy had done for him and before he knew it he had his arms around Sandy. His saviour .His hero. His Dad. When he pulled away he punched Sandy in the arm. "Thanks man."  
  
Kirsten walked back into the kitchen. Both her and Seth's faces were tear stained and tired. "Ryan I think we should move you into a room inside the house. I've always felt like we were keeping you separate from the family having you in the pool house but now you're back I thought... you know if you want to."  
  
"That would be really great. Thanks for everything. Especially today you were...great." Ryan replied weakly while Seth and Sandy looked on confused. Kirsten squeezed his arm and replied, "You're welcome honey."

**I know the chapters are short but I'll update quicker than I usually do to make up for it. The next chapter is pretty long though.**

**Love it? Hate it? Let me know by leaving a review**


	6. Reminiscing

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Chapter 6  
  
Kirsten woke with a start. "Damn alarm!" she growled. Well it was 8am. She was awake. And she wasn't going to be able to get back to sleep so she swung her legs out of bed and grabbed her dressing gown. She turned to see Sandy sprawled on top of the sheets. His mop of hair in a tangle and his mouth open. She thought he looked adorable even when he was asleep. She gently kissed him on the forehead secretly hoping to wake him. She was drained from the events of the previous day and she longed to be in Sandy's arms if not for a second. But he didn't stir. He simply let out a grunt and rolled over to her side if the bed. "At least the spark's still there," she joked to herself.  
  
As she made her way downstairs she heard the rustling of a newspaper in the kitchen and she realised that Ryan was already up. She walked into the kitchen to find Ryan sitting looking rather dishevelled in his white beater and old shorts. "Sleep well?" she asked brightly.  
  
"Like a log," he simply said. There was an uncomfortable silence as she and Ryan stared at each other but it was interrupted when Ryan said, "Look. About yesterday I just really wanna say that I ... well I just... that... I really appreciate what you did. I mean I've never had anyone who actually cared about me before you know? It's just that I uh... thanks." He finished weakly.  
  
"I'm glad that you finally know that I do care about you. And you know you were there for me too. I guess I wanna thank you for that," she replied.  
  
There was a silence. Kirsten was taken aback that she was the first one to mention the abortion. Damn!  
  
"Yeah. Look about that whole thing. I didn't mean to bring it up. It's your business and I had no right to say that to you and I promise I won't mention it to Sandy. I don't think he would appreciate me knowing.  
  
Kirsten looked into her coffee. "Well the thing about that Ryan is that uh... well you and Theresa are the only people that know about it."  
  
"What do you mean? Didn't you didn't tell him?"

"Well he wasn't the father Ryan."

"I... I am so sorry I just assumed that you had told him and there I go and ask a stupid question. I'm sorry," Ryan blushed. "Idiot!" he told himself. "Then... I... well... I really do promise that I won't say anything."  
  
"Don't worry. I can't ask you to do that for me. It would mean you would need to lie to Sandy and Seth and I can't do that to you.  
  
A silence followed  
  
"I've thought about it and I've decided to tell Sandy myself."

Ryan had been back for a week and Kirsten was feeling pressured to tell Sandy.

Not that Ryan had mentioned anything to her about it but still... she could feel his gaze upon them every morning. She knew he was checking what mood they were both in. When he saw everything was normal he'd go back to eating his cereal. Seth and Sandy, oblivious to anything, went on as usual.  
  
She made her way out to the poolside. She settled herself on a lounger and stared out to sea. She began to reminisce about her younger days with Sandy. His sharp blue eyes piercing into her under those thick eyebrows. She remembered when she had tried to pluck them while he was sleeping but when he woke up and realised what she was doing he pinned her to the floor and tickled her, which she hated, until she dropped the tweezers. She laughed sadly and a single tear rolled down her cheek when she realised that they would probably never be that way again after she revealed her darkest secret.  
  
She thought back to her night of infidelity with Jimmy Cooper.  
  
She and Sandy had been arguing. He hated the way her father treated her and the way she pandered to him. He told her that he didn't know that he could do it anymore and he needed space. Kirsten didn't know what to say. She stared at him open mouthed when he suggested they take a break. She refused to cry in front of him. She didn't show the signs of her heart breaking in two. She silently left his apartment. She could hear him smashing the glass he had in his hand against the wall. She couldn't understand why he did this. She knew he loved her even though they hadn't said this to each other yet. She walked across town toward her dorm.  
  
When she got to the floor of her dorm she found a huddled up figure sitting on the floor just outside her door. When he noticed her he swept her up in his arms, "Hey how ya doin' kiddo?" Kirsten couldn't reply. She broke down into tears as he set her back on the ground. She searched through her bag until she found her keys and she let them both in. Her roommate was out so they had the place to themselves. She sat perched on the edge of the couch as she explained her situation. He made coffee and listened intently as she got everything off her mind. "Come on now kiddo, you know that this isn't the end for you and Sandy. You're stronger than this. You love each other." There was silence as Jimmy studied Kirsten's grey/blue eyes. Her mouth curled up into a small knowing smile with her long blonde hair covering her face. "Do you think we could talk about something else?" she asked.

"Sure." He replied  
  
Jimmy talked about his new wife Julie. He explained that she was from Riverside and Kirsten began to play with a hair clasp sitting on the coffee table. Jimmy stopped realising what he was saying, "Kirsten what happened between me and Julie... I didn't mean to hurt you. It just happened." Kirsten nodded in agreement but Jimmy continued, "I never got to tell you how sorry I am. I was drunk and she was just there. I'm sorry I didn't..." But he was interrupted by Kirsten who felt the anger building up inside of her, "Why are you sorry Jimmy? That you did it? Or that you got caught?" Jimmy looked at his feet, "You know the answer to that." Kirsten began to cry again. Jimmy looked over at her, "Kirsten...? How did I get caught? I have no idea how you even found out about it. I mean I was in Vegas and you were in Newport with your family. I mean I got home from Vegas and you told me it was over. No explanation. Did my brother tell you?" 

"No."

"What then?"

"I wanted to surprise you." Kirsten tried to stop the tears rolling down her face but she couldn't. "What do you mean?"

"I came to Vegas for your birthday to surprise you. I was in your hotel room when you came home with her. I snuck out after you two kissed."

"How did I not see you?"

"You were a little preoccupied."

"Kirsten I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to put you through that."

Kirsten got up and made some more coffee to distract herself from the twisting feeling she had in the pit of her stomach. She didn't hate Jimmy. She couldn't. It was Julie she hated. In that moment she could have killed her. Jimmy came up behind her, "Please talk to me. Tell me how you're feeling right now," It was then at that moment Kirsten made the biggest mistake of he life. She leaned in and kissed him. He hesitated for a second but he looked at Kirsten. The girl that he was truly in love with. His soul mate. He kissed her back.  
  
A week later Kirsten pulled up outside the clinic feeling a familiar twisting in her stomach. She informed the receptionist that she had made an appointment and she waited on the hard grey chairs in the waiting room. She couldn't believe what was happening. She had broken up with her boyfriend on the same night she was impregnated by her ex. She knew she only did it to get back at Julie. She wanted to break them up but not so as she could have him for herself. She loved Sandy but she wanted Julie to feel some of the pain she had that night she had caught them. "Kirsten Nichol?" The nurse had called her name. Time to bite the bullet. She entered the room to find a young doctor with a harsh face setting up his equipment. A nurse with a warm smile assured her that she would be there the whole time with her. Kirsten lay in the cold hard table and held the nurse's hand tightly. Tears streamed down her face as she lay there. She was embarrassed as the nurse gripped her hand watching her lie in pain.  
  
When she exited the clinic she felt dirty and sick. She sat in her old car and wept for her baby. Her child that she had killed. She was ashamed. She drove through town in a blur of tears and distress. She felt her stomach lurch and she had to stop the car. She dashed into a side street and threw up. Tears streamed down her face as she leaned on the wall for support.  
  
As she climbed back into her car her cell phone rang. The invasive ring of the cell startled her but when she answered she heard the soft Brooklyn accent that she had come to love.  
  
"Kirsten?"  
  
"Uh yeah it's me. How are you?"  
  
"I'm... I'm fine. Are you ok you sound a bit croaky?"  
  
"Yeah. I'm not feeling too good but... now you've called I'm feeling much better."  
  
"Do you think we could talk... you know face to face?"  
  
"Tomorrow I'll come round. I can't really face anyone today."  
  
"Okay. I look forward to it hon... Uh Kirsten."  
  
"Sandy?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I love you."  
  
"I love you too."  
  
And that was it. She could never get up the courage to tell him that the night they had broke up she had slept with her married ex- boyfriend.  
  
It had been eighteen years. How could she tell him now? It would kill him. She got up of the lounger and headed off to work.

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	7. The Confession

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Chapter 7  
  
Kirsten knew Sandy was getting restless as she babbled on about her day and a new development that she had just landed. "Kirsten," Sandy interrupted, "what did you wanna talk to me about? You've been acting weird around me for weeks now and to be honest you're kinda scaring me." He looked at his beautiful wife and unable to read her expression he joked, "You're not having an affair are you?" Kirsten's head snapped up, "Of course not. Why would you say th... oh." She finished realising the joke. Sandy took her hand and softly whispered, "Tell me." She looked straight into his caring eyes and she answered, "What I need to tell you is important so you can't interrupt me until I'm finished or you'll never know the entire story..." a few seconds passed, "OK?"  
  
"You told me not to interrupt."  
  
"Sandy," she scolded, "Ok I don't know how to tell you this but... I'm just going to come out with it. First I need you to know that I love you." A few seconds passed in silence and Sandy tightened his grip on Kirsten's delicate hand.  
  
"When we were in college... I was nineteen... I had an abortion."  
  
Sandy instantly dropped Kirsten's hand but he kept a fixed gaze on her. "Continue. Evidently you have more to say."  
  
"It was when we were broken up for those few weeks back in college. I didn't know what to do. And when Jimmy showed up I was vulnerable, but I'm not blaming him, I was at fault too but I was a mess and I loved you I thought we had broken up and..."  
  
"Jimmy."  
  
"Yes."  
  
Sandy stood up and walked wordlessly out of the room. When he returned he was holding two cups of coffee. He handed one to Kirsten and said, "Why didn't you tell me?"  
  
"I was ashamed... and frightened...actually I was terrified that you would reject me because I love you Sandy I love you so much." She was crying now and Sandy once again took her hand and said, "Kirsten you shouldn't have kept this from me. Why did you do it? I know you say it was a mistake but... how could you go through with an abortion?"

"Because I loved you and I thought you wouldn't want me anymore..."

"How could you ever think that? I love you so much. I could never abandon you. Pregnant or not."

"But I wanted you to be the father. You're my husband. You're the one I love."

"Honey you and I know better than anyone that genetics don't matter. We have two sons. The fact that one of them doesn't have matching genes... is irrelevant. I would have loved that child as my own."

"But..."

"No buts. I'm hurt you felt you couldn't tell me but... I get it. I understand."  
  
"What? Why aren't you angry with me?" Kirsten was in hysterics. She was yelling at her husband who was staring on in shock, "You should be calling me a slut, a whore, anything. Please stop being so damn noble and tell me exactly what you think of me. Please."  
  
Sandy grabbed Kirsten's flailing hands and held her tight while she tried to fight against him, "Stop it. I lied to you stop it I can't do this. You have to yell at me please don't do this." Sandy held on until she fell into his arms. She sobbed. She wept for the child she would never meet. The lie she had kept for twenty years. She cried for the weight that had been lifted and the Husband she loved and betrayed.

**I know the chapters are short but I'll update quicker than I usually do to make up for it. **

**Love it? Hate it? Let me know by leaving a review**


	8. A Misunderstanding

**Okay hope you like**

Chapter 8  
  
Had he heard that? He stopped and listened. Again he heard the distant screams of a woman. "Stop it!" he spun round, "please don't do this!" he ran from the pool house. Sandy would never hurt her. Never. No matter what Kirsten had done. Abortion or no abortion. But what would he do if he ran into the same scene he had seen all too often with his mother. Whenever he had tried to protect his mother from beatings he would just end up getting his own ass kicked... but this was different. It was Kirsten. She had been more of a mother to him than his own had ever been. He had to protect her, the way she would protect him. He knew he would kill Sandy if he had hurt Kirsten.  
  
He got to the kitchen. He heard the muffled sobs of Kirsten. He sprinted into the living room to find them both in a heap in the middle of the floor. Sandy had his back to him and Kirsten was weeping into Sandy's chest. Between sobs she repeated, "Please. Don't. I can't."  
  
Ryan realised his mistake and tried to get away discreetly but just then Kirsten spotted him. Sandy noticed the tension in her body and looked around. There was Ryan. Out of breath from the panic rather than the race into the house. Sandy stood up and left Kirsten on the floor and quietly asked Ryan if he would excuse them. "It's Ok." Kirsten said shakily.  
  
"Kirsten I don't really think this is the time to be telling..."  
  
"He knows." She interrupted, "Theresa told him."  
  
Sandy looked incredulously at Kirsten and said, "How many people know about this?"  
  
"Just us. And Theresa. When I was talking to Theresa before Ryan left I let slip about it." Kirsten said while picking herself up off the floor. She tried to wipe away the tears but they didn't stop coming.  
  
"And this is why you decided to tell me now? Because your secret was out?"  
  
"No Sandy it was never like that. This is just the thing that pushed me to tell you. I've wanted to tell you forever but I've never had the courage but knowing that someone else knows about it made me more eager to tell you."  
  
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to barge in it's just I heard you screaming and I thought... that uh well you know it doesn't matter... now," Ryan cut in.  
  
"What did you think was going on?" Sandy intercepted  
  
"It doesn't matter I jus..."  
  
"NO! Tell me. I wanna know."  
  
"I thought. I know it's stupid and you would never."  
  
Sandy's face grew grave. He looked at his son and walked quietly out of the room. Kirsten turned to Ryan, "He would never... ever." A tear rolled down her cheek," He couldn't."

**I know the chapters are short but ill update faster than I usually do.**

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	9. Seth

**Hope you like**

Chapter 9  
  
Ryan went in search of Sandy. It didn't take long. He found him sitting on the beach staring out to sea. Ryan sat down next to him.  
  
"Sandy I'm sorry. I know you would never do anything... like that. I guess I just have this inbuilt reaction to believe that when a woman screams it at the hands of her boyfriendâ€ or husband."  
  
"I know. It's ok I just needed to get out of there for a while. Clear my head you know?"  
  
"Yeah I guess." Ryan ran his fingers though the sand, "Are you and Kirsten gonna be ok... I mean you're not gonna leave her are you?"  
  
"I could never leave Kirsten. Never. I love her too much. More than anyone really. But she's lied to me. And I can understand why she has... but it hurts."  
  
"I know. I mean I know Theresa never knew about the baby but still... I mean it's like she gave me the greatest thing ever and now it's been snatched away from me again."  
  
"Are you gonna keep in touch with her?"  
  
"Yeah, I mean I couldn't keep her out of my life. We've been through too much."  
  
There was a pause as Ryan and Sandy stared out to the rolling waves.  
  
"Could you ever imagine being away from someone you love more than anything in the world?" asked Ryan  
  
"I wouldn't wanna think about it... I didn't know you thought of Theresa like that."  
  
"I was thinking more along the lines of you and Kirsten. You're like the best people I know. You care about people. You wanna help them, give them a chance. I think that you and Kirsten really need to help each other right now."  
  
Sandy looked at Ryan and wondered how this could have been a sixteen year old boy sitting next to him.  
  
"I don't know how you do that."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Know the right thing to say in the midst of a crisis."  
  
"I never usually do but I know this; Kirsten loves you. And that's the bottom line. I mean I don't know what you'd do without each other. I don't think Seth would take too kindly to it and to be honestâ€ neither would I. I don't know what I'd do if you weren't together."  
  
Sandy stood up and brushed the sand off if him and Ryan. He put an arm around his shoulder and said, "Let's go home."  
  
When Sandy and Ryan came back into the house they heard yelling coming from the kitchen. "Please just listen to me!"

"No! Mom how could you do it? I can't believe you would do this and not even tell Dad!"

"SETH! SETH, COME BACK HERE NOW!" Kirsten yelled just as Seth stormed upstairs to his room. He slammed his door and the next minute loud angry music came blaring out of his room. Sandy excused himself from Ryan and went in to see his distraught wife. Ryan decided to have a talk with his brother. He'd convinced Sandy to forgive Kirsten and he was pretty sure he could do it with Seth.

Ryan raced up the stairs two at a time and knocked loudly on Seth's room door. Seth responded by turning his music up louder. Ryan knew that Seth would never get up and answer the door so he let himself in. He walked straight over to his stereo and switched it off. He turned to find Seth with his back to him. He only turned around when the music stopped, "Hey what the heâ€ Oh it's you. Sorry man I thought it was mom."

"You don't wanna talk to her?"

"Hey man if you knew what I knew then you wouldn't wanna talk to her either."

"Seth. I do know. Your mom told Theresa when she was thinking about having an abortion. Then Theresa mentioned it to me." Seth laughed sadly, "Wow man. Who knew you'd take her side."

"I'm not taking sides. Do you know the story? Did you let her tell you? Or did you just hear the word abortion and run out of the room."

"What does she have to say? That she's sorry? That she wished she could take it back? Well too little too late huh?" Ryan sat on the edge of the bed and stared the opposite way from Seth. "Let her tell you. Come on man let her explain. You probably think that she had the abortion without a second thought"

"Of course she did. Did she even think about me? How I would maybe like to have a younger sibling?"

"Seth how the hell was she supposed to know about you when she was only nineteen tears old?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Seriously Seth you have got to go talk to your mom." Ryan turned and saw that Seth was staring at him. "I'm an idiot." He said. Ryan only nodded his head. Seth swung his legs off of the bed and walked toward his door. He found his mother I the doorway. "Could I please talk to you?" She pleaded. Seth stood back and allowed his mother to enter his room. Ryan got up and made his way out leaving them alone.

Seth turned to his mother, "I'm sorry. I didn't let you explain and I jumped to conclusions. Please tell me what you have to say."

"Just that I'm sorry. I was young and irresponsible. I couldn't have had that kid."

"But mom you had me when you were twenty one. How is that different?"

"Because it is. It's complicated."

"Okay first I'm only mad at you because you kept it secret. Not from me but from Dad and second why was I different?"

"Okay first I kept it from your dad becauseâ€ I was scared wouldn't want me anymore. I mean I loved him so much and"

"Mom you know Dad would never abandon you. Especially if he'd gotten you pregnant."

"Seth your dad didn't get me pregnant."

"What?"

"The baby was Jimmy's."

"Jimmy? How? I mean weren't you dating dad when you were nineteen?"

"Yeahâ€ we broke up for a while."

"How long?"

"About a week."

"A week? You break up with your boyfriend and you've already slept with your ex within a weekâ€ wait a minute wasn't Jimmy married to Julie then?" Kirsten nodded and Seth stared open mouthed. "So let me get this straight. You break up with Dad and sleep with Jimmy Cooper who, at the time, is married to Julie Cooper." Kirsten nodded and Seth continued, "Then you got pregnant, knew you couldn't keep the baby so you had an abortion and then you got back together with Dad and two years later you had me?"

"Pretty much." Kirsten replied with her head down, "Forgive me?" she whispered. Seth went over to his mother and lifted her chin with his finger, "I'm sorry. I still think you made the wrong decision butâ€ it's not really anything to do with me so" Seth didn't get to finish before Kirsten had flung era arms around his neck and wouldn't let go until Seth prised her arms off of him. When he pulled away he saw his mother in tears, "Hey what is it?"

"Seth I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done it. You could have had a big brother or sister and"

"Mom I have a big brother. He came a little later but still. Don't cry please." Kirsten wiped away the tears and Seth frowned, "Mom? Does Jimmy know about this?" Kirsten shook her head and Seth asked, "Are you gonna tell him?" 

**So should Kirsten tell Jimmy. It's up to all you reviewers out there.**

**This won't be updated for a week because I'm going to Germany tomorrow woo hoo! But keep on reviewing regardless**

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	10. Truth?

**Sorry I know it's been a long time but here you are the last chapter. Enjoy!**

Chapter 10

Kirsten was in bed pretending to be asleep. Sandy was snoring next to her. She counted the minutes till her alarm sounded. She got out of bed and made her way to the kitchen. It was eight o'clock so she knew she'd be alone. She checked the pool house and saw the blinds were still drawn. She settled onto her favourite sun lounger and pondered over the previous nights events.

"_Are you gonna tell him?"_

She could hear her son's voice quiver as he asked her that. She didn't know how to answer. She felt her body freeze with the realisation that she may just have to break Jimmy's heart again. The thought of going through it again terrified her. Hadn't she gone through enough? She realised she was being selfish. But wouldn't telling Jimmy after so long be just as selfish? She sighed, "What am I gonna do?" she whispered to no one in particular, She heard a noise beside her and found Ryan lying in the lounger next to her, "How long have you been lying there?"

"About ten minutes." He admitted not opening his eyes, "What are you gonna do?" he asked. Kirsten shook her head and stared out in the distance. There was a cold wind coming off the sea. She saw Ryan get up and head for the pool house. She felt her body shiver and she pulled her robe close to her. "Here." She heard Ryan say. He was standing in front of her holding a dark blue robe. She recognised it as a Chrismukkah gift for Ryan. She had forgotten all about it. Ryan shook the robe in front of her as if to persuade her to take it from him, "Put this on. I never use it." He said. He settled himself on the lounger again. She wrapped it around her. It smelled like his aftershave. Maybe he did use it and just never liked to admit it. Kirsten looked over at him and asked, "If you were Jimmy. Would you wanna know?" Ryan paused before answering.

"I don't know."

"Neither do I."

"Have you talked to Sandy about it?" he asked but Kirsten shook her head.

"This isn't about Sandy. He and Jimmy are totally different. Sandy's my husband and if it had been his kid then he would nave a right to know but Jimmy... he's past tense." She stopped realising how cruel she sounded. She shook her head again and sighed.

"If you told him... what would happen."

"He would hate me. We'd never talk again. I would lose my best friend."

"And if you didn't tell him."

"We'd all be holding our breath whenever he was around. I'd constantly be worrying about him finding out form someone else..."

"So it's a win/win situation huh?" he joked. Kirsten smiled sadly but didn't laugh. Ryan titled his head and saw that Kirsten was on the verge of tears. He took her hand, "Hey come on. You'll get through this. Whatever you decide. It's for the best."

"Maybe sometimes the only result of revealing the truth is pain." Kirsten said frustrated, "No good would come from me telling him so why do it?" she asked. She stared at Ryan expecting him to answer.

"Kirsten I can't tell you what to do." He said evenly.

"I know. I'm just asking for your opinion."

"Okay. Truthfully I don't think you should tell him for all the reasons you just said. It would be selfish. You would just be telling him to unload your guilt and that's not fair." Kirsten nodded and Ryan continued, "You're looking for somebody to forgive you and to you that person is Jimmy. It's not fair. And you're right. No good would come of it. You can't turn back time and do things differently so why would telling Jimmy be the best thing to do?" He said squarely.

"It makes no sense," she agreed. She turned to him, "Would you hate me? If it were you?" Ryan looked away and sighed. Kirsten went on, "Tell me. Truthfully." Ryan turned back.

"I wouldn't hate you. But I don't think I could ever forgive you." He whispered. Kirsten's eyes prickled and she sat back onto her lounger. She knew his answer before he said it. The fact that he had said it surprised her. She held beck the tears and turned to her son who had closed his eyes again. She squeezed his hand again.

"Thank you." She whispered.

Fin.

**It may be a weird place to stop but I didn't know how else to round it up. Also i apologise for it being so short. Hope you enjoyed it though. Please review.**


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